Bank ID card

                                                                                                                                                                    

It was my turn for an annual security check this week, so I had to report to HR for an interview.

Firstly you would not believe the trouble an office ninja has getting through security. The security guard shook his head and wouldn't 'buzz' me through. He said he needed to see my pass so I showed it to him. He shook his head and told me that the pass didn't show a clear picture of my face. I looked at my pass. It looked the same to me.

"You are wearing a mask on it."

"I'm wearing the same mask now."

Apparently that was not good enough.

"you need to take the mask off."

"But I'm wearing a mask in the photo, so If I take this one off I won't look the same."

He lifted a walkie-talkie to his face and spoke into it quietly. "Front desk. We're going to have a problem here."

I eventually sat down in front of Jan Lemon our HR Manager and her assistant Helen Orange (she pronounces it Oraaange -I think it's French or something), after climbing up a drainpipe and slipping in through the ladies toilet window. I was twenty minutes late, thanks to Mr Jobsworth on security. Both of them sat across the desk from me staring blankly.  I smiled back, but obviously they couldn't see it, so I made happy smiling noises - like 'he he he' and such. The clock ticked on with both of them staring at me, making me feel quite twitchy.

Finally Jan spoke.

"So, how are things going?"

"Fine."

She nodded, with feeling as though she cared.

"Your Performance review highlighted some issues which we need to discuss, so we would like you to start." Jan smiled.

I shrugged.

Helen turned a page of the file in front of her. Jan looked down at it, then slid it across the desk in front of me. The words 'identity issues' were highlighted in bright orange.

"Your wearing of a black ninja mask during work hours is cause from concern."

Again, I shrugged. "Abrar gets to wear a burkha."

"Yes, but we know Abrar's name and address."

"How do you know it's her?"

Jan looked puzzled. "I beg your pardon?"

"If she never takes it off then how do you know it's her, and she hasn't sent in someone else for the day like her sister, or cousin or something?"

Jan and Helen looked at each other briefly, then Jan shook her head as though trying to throw an angry wasp off the scent. "That's not the point. We are talking about you,not Abrar."

I decided to play my own card.

"I am ninja."

"excuse me?"

"I am ninja."

"We need a full name and address for our records..."

"I am ninja."

"...for the Financial Services Authority regulations..."

"I am ninja."

"...and anti-money laundering regulations."

"I am ninja."

"I can't search on the voters role for Dave the Ninja."

"I AM NINJA!"

"We need a new photograph for your pass,and for our own records."

"I am ninja."

"Dave please don't make this difficult again like last year."

"I ... am ... ninja."

Jan buried her head in her hands. "For god's sake just take his photo."

Helen pointed a camera at me and flashed.

 

So now I have a new photo on my bank ID pass, and I have the right for another year to keep my identity secret.

Result.


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