Dr Dickhead and the Black-Belt-in-a-Box

So I came across this guy selling a “black belt in a box” over the internet. I was intrigued. How the can you buy an instant black belt in a box? Can he really promise ultimate street fighting techniques that any idiot can learn from a DVD? And he can give me that black belt in a year??) It all sounded too good to be true, so I got hold of a copy of his book entitled 'The complete book of jujitsu' and had a good read to see what this guy is talking about.
 

What I stumbled across was shocking. I am not surprised that the promises he makes are absolutely and unequivocably false. Of course they are. How can any martial art claim to turn out real black belts in 12 months from a home study course? It can't, not worth anything anyway. The 'black belts' produced by such a system would be eaten alive by anyone with a few hours of real mat time in pretty much any discipline.

What I found really shocking were that someone who claims to have the credentials that Mr (I refuse to call him a Dr.) Gambordella claims to have can turn out this drivel, that actually may end up getting someone hurt or killed (and not the person his 'techniques' are used on). It's not enough that he calls himself a grandmaster (really? Wow, an American Grand Master? Of what exactly?), but he obviously felt the need to add a bogus doctorate for good measure. Check these out:

Hey Chubby Brown Belt Kid – what are you doing with your left hand? Also note the complete lack of movement on the part of Mr G. I have never seen a fight where two guys stand in front of each other fixed to the spot and exchange blows before, perhaps this is a new style, or maybe it is a technique to use on an opponent in a deep sea diving suit complete with lead boots...

Check out the distance between them. No attempt to steal space. Chubby Brown Belt Kid has plenty of space to counter in, and can see everything that is going on. He looks suspiciously like he is throwing himself. Also check out the straight leg – a sure way to get your own leg broken. Chubby Brown Belt Kid should just drop down on it and snap it off for him. He probably didn't want to risk breaking his television though...Come to think of it if Dr Dickhead is a grandmaster then why is he filming this in his living room? Where is the dojo?

This is classic. CBBK's arm is the wrong way round so there is no arm bar and he is free to move. Again, too much space between them, not enough contact, CBBK left arm is free to do whatever he wants with it – why isn't he jabbing Dr Dickhead in the kidneys? God forbid he has a knife...

Oh really? Check out CBBK pulling his punch, he even looks like he is about to give a cheeky wink to the camera. Dr Dickhead would have had a proper kicking by now, or been left minus a kidney bleeding on the pavement.

Really Mr Gambollina you should know better. You aren't just conning these kids, but you could really get one of them hurt or killed if they come across someone who even vaguely knows what they are doing, or has a knife on them somewhere. I am sure you know this, I'm sure in your history you do have some training,but you sure as hell aren't passing it on with this crap. Correspondence course? Black Belt in a Box? You should be ashamed of yourself. Do these kids a favour and teach them properly face to face, or tell them to go somewhere else...and if anyone reading this is thinking of buying a 'black belt in a box' save your money, just go to your local sports store and buy a black belt. It will be just as meaningless, but will cost a hell of a lot less, and won't fill you with false promises or unwarranted and dangerous self confidence.

England suck.

They do. Really, I mean come on...Held to a draw by the USA and outplayed by Algeria? I actually thought I had fallen asleep on the sofa and was having a terrible nightmare. Germany, Brazil, and Argentina must be quaking in their boots laughing their socks off. How much are these people paid again?

They need some ninja in their tactics.

A few feet stamped on, and elbow here and there, a bit of misdirection...no wait, that sounds like and England France match. Maybe that's what they need - a bit of Agincourt spirit. Since when do England give up? Are they men or lions? The three lions on that shirt are not there for nothing....

...Got carried away there for a moment in a tidal wave of xenophobic nationalist disappointment. Let's get some perspective though. England (despite 1966) is NOT the greatest footballing nation on earth. The Premier league is no longer the best football league in the world, most of the worlds best players are now gravitating towards Spain and Italy again. Our lads have spirit but no real skill, and lets face it a final between England and ...anyone would be great for England fans, but not really for anyone else. 

Lets just chill out, relax, enjoy the roller coaster and see how far it takes us this time.

I will be chewing my fingers to the bone on Wednesday 23rd though.

Gymnastics v Ninjitsu

Daughter number 1 started gymnastics, or more specifically sports acro gymnastics a couple of years ago. It started innocently enough with one hour a week at the age of 6, but has crept upon me like an evil ninja - BLAM! until at the age of 10 she trains for three hours three times a week, and most weekends all day. Because our life has been taken over by this curious sport Daughter number 2 has also joined in, so the pair of them are now like a travelling circus act in our garden.

We get to watch them at barbeques though which is quite cool.

All of this is great until I realise that Daughter number 1 is now fitter than her Ninja Dad. She is leaner (although mine is clearly all muscle underneath a protective layer of fat), faster, and more flexible. The proof of this came when I realised that I have to learn to back flip as part of my training, which I find ridiculously difficult. You have to be slightly unhinged to enjoy travelling backwards at speed and upside down.

"I'll teach you Dad".

yeah,right.

She then laughed and flick-flacked across the garden like a human slinky.

I feel inadequate.

Anyway I watched,and she corrected me, and I fell on my head, then on my shoulder, then I knocked over a deckchair. Daughter number 1 laughed and giggled at me the whole time. Eventually I got it.

"You need to straighten your arms Dad and push your hips out, and point your toes, and don't bend your knees".

Forget all that. I did it. I back-flipped, and it took my ten year old daughter to teach me.

I stood there panting and sweaty,like an unfit dad.

"Let's go in." I said.

"wuss."

And there you have it.I am a wuss, a feeble dork, a puny weakling because my ten year old daughter can back flip, cartwheel with no hands, front and back somersault, backward walkover,front walkover,and do a straight back somersault with a twist off a three person tower and I can't...yet :)

Carl is a cunt

My car broke down last week. The rear diff 'went' and no I don't know what the hell that is, only that it controls the 4 wheel drive mechanism and turns the rear axle. Without it the car is basically useless and if I drive it the rear axle will seize up and the apocalypse will break out or something. Anyway it looks something like this:

Notice the lack of oil? That's because when it blew up and left bits all over the road in an embarrassing trail of destruction all of the oil fell out.
I have to replace the rear diff (see apocalypse comment above) and it is going to be 'really expensive' said the mechanic. We have used this particular garage before and they have usually been very good so I have no reason to doubt him. Whilst the car is up on the ramp he calls over all of the apprentices because (he tells them) he has only seen this happen once before, and they are never likely to see it happen again. Great. Now my misfortune is being used as a learning tool. They all stand around scratching their heads and the one thing they agree on is that they have never heard of,or seen this before.
The part will cost £2,500 + VAT, yes plus vat. While my wife cries outside he suggests that we get a used part from a breakers yard instead. The labour will cost £250.
Needless to say I phoned around and finally got the correct part from a breaker for £200. That's a big difference. Trouble is the garage now say they won't do the labour because it is not company policy to fit used parts. So what the hell do I do now? I have a broken car that I can't drive anywhere in case the rear axle seizes up and the apocalypse breaks out, and a spare part sitting in my hallway making the  house stink of dirty oil (see below)

Note the professional way it is packaged up.
Along comes Carl to the rescue. Well sort of. Carl is a friend of one of Sarah's friends. I have never met Carl,and neither has Sarah, although her friend obviously has and is very happy with the work Carl has done on his Land Rovers. Trouble is that Sarah's friend is a farmer and has shotguns, so of course he is happy with the work Carl does on his Land Rovers. I am sure he is also delighted with his plumber, plasterer, and the guy who laid the tarmac on his driveway. I however do not own a shotgun so am at the mercy of any workmen who do anything for me. Carl said (via text) that he would be happy to come to us, bring all the equipment he needed and spend a day doing the work for £100, which is absolutely brilliant, but for one thing...,.He didn't turn up. Then he made another appointment and didn't turn up for that, then another, and another....It is now almost two weeks on and we have missed four attempts. I now want to know what his full name is and exactly where he works so that I can go and 'discuss' his blatant rudeness with him face to face. Sarah's friend of course will now not tell me where he works or lives, knowing how angry I am, shotgun or not. So yes, Carl is in fact a cunt, and if you know a mechanic called Carl I suggest you tell him.